What Hurts the Most
by GHOSTSherri
Summary: Songfic, inspired by a song by Rascal Flatts. AngealxGenesis, yaoi. There were words I just couldn't say, no matter how much I wanted to. I had to watch you walk away, not knowing what I was trying to do. A/U for reasons obvious only once you finish it.


**A/N: Whoo. Three hours to complete this baby, and I do love it. I hope you guys do to. A/U, you will see why when you read it.**

_This is a memory or action. Really, this is the story, I suppose._

This is Angeal's thoughts.

**This is lyrics to the song that inspired my to write this.**

**Warnings: Guy-on-guy sex and mild language. Use of damn, to be exact. If any of that offends you, click the back button. That's what it is there for.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything but a copy of Advent Children and Dirge of Cerberus. If I owned the games, stuff woulda went down a whole lot differently.**

**XxX**

_The first kiss we share is in the orchard, underneath a big dumb apple tree. You try to climb to the top and slip down, and I am there to catch you before you hit the ground. It becomes the story of our lives; I'm always there to catch you when you fall._

_I'm holding you bridal style and you look up at me with a smirk. Then you lean up, one slender hand twining pale fingers into my dark hair to pull my face closer to yours. What comes next is the beautiful, chaste act of two adolescences kissing for the first time. It only lasts a few seconds before you pull away, a blush painting your cheeks. Watching you, I feel my cheeks heat up, too. You're parents will be livid, I'm sure, if they ever found out their fiery haired son has fallen for another boy. I see your fear of the consequences in your eyes and I have to kiss you again, to tell you everything will be okay. Come whatever may, we will face it together. We are 14 the first time we kiss._

**I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house**

**That don't bother me**

**I can take a few tears now and then and just let 'em out**

The house is too damn empty without you, I think to myself over and over. Even with Zack living with me still, it feels like the whole world is colder and lonelier. I don't think Zack understands when I come in and go straight to my room-our room. It's been raining since you left and I want to scream at the gods for what they have done to you, to us. Instead, I keep my calm, because that's what I've always done, and lay down, burying my face in a pillow that still smells like you. I feel nauseous knowing that scent will fade, and soon. I don't want it to. I want you back in my arms so I can smell the real thing, not echoes.

**I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though**

**Goin' on with you gone still upsets me**

**There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay**

**But that's not what gets me**

_Three years later, 'we' are a secret to everyone except my dear mother, and she lets you know every chance she can that she isn't upset. She's happy that I'm happy, and she's happy that you're happy. We are happy. The world can't touch us. Even when you're parents try to hurt you, yell and scream and blame you for everything and tell you how worthless you are, you run away from them and take a leap of faith into my arms, knowing I will catch you every time. _

_I answer the first time you knock, knowing that at 10:30 at night, it could only be you. You have a red hand print across your face and I wrap my arms around you, pulling you over the threshold and press you to my chest. I glare out into the rain towards your house, stroking your damp hair with my hands and lips. This outburst is particularly rough, you tell me, and I have a feeling kisses and touches aren't enough to soothe your pain._

_20 minutes later, our clothes is leading a trail through my house and to my bedroom, our laughs and voices hushed by kisses so we don't wake up my mother. She won't be mad. Hell, knowing her she may very well be delighted by the newest step we've taken._

I feel like I could be dying as our past echoes through my mind, memories replaying as I think about what I've lost. I want to tell you all those things I never told you, how much you mean to me. But I know that now it's too late. You're already gone. The sheet wind up tangled around my legs, keeping me in place, and that's okay because I don't want to move. I don't want to face the world without you. An arrogant prick you may be, but that's the side you show the world. With me, you are so much more, you are truly my everything. And I would give up anything to be with you, to tell you how much you matter.

**What hurts the most**

**Was being so close**

**And havin' so much to say**

**And watchin' you walk away**

_The first time, we are nervous, and it takes an hour and a half of foreplay, prepping and touching before I am ready. It takes another half an hour before you are ready. I enter you and your soft gasp, pleasure sprinkled with pain, makes me almost impossibly harder. Soon you have your legs wrapped around my waist, encouraging me to move and arching your back towards my hand as I grip your erection to pull you closer to the edge. We climax together and I have to kiss you to quiet your screams so Mother doesn't wake up._

_Slowly, we untangle ourselves from each other and you whine when I pull out._

**And never knowin'**

**What could've been**

**And not seein' that lovin' you**

**Is what I was tryin' to do**

"_I love you, 'Geal." You whisper, breathless from the bed as I head towards the shower. I say nothing, I simply close the door. As I turn on the shower, I feel my chest tighten and honestly I'm surprised to hear the words. We know we love each other, saying it just makes it seem so much more official. Saying it back to you is acknowledging to the world that you're important to me, and I don't want to do that. I don't want the world to know you matter, I don't want the world to take you from me._

**It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go**

**But I'm doin' it**

**It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone**

**Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret**

I force myself to get up and get dressed, to move and breathe in the morning even though I don't want to. I make my way through the halls which are just as loud as they always are, but seem so much quieter without you talking about the gift of the goddess and wandering, shattered souls and healer of worlds, wings and promises and honor and vengeance. I miss your voice already, even though it has been a mere 14 hours since last I heard it. Missions have separated us longer then this. But perhaps it is the finality of it, that you are gone forever now. I make myself smile for Zack, as I always have, and the smile is faker then it has ever been. I hate myself for my weakness.

**But I know if I could do it over**

**I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart**

**That I left unspoken**

"_Hey, Geal?"_

"_Hm?"_

"_Do you ever think about the future?"_

"_Of course."_

"_What do you see?"_

"_We decided we would go into SOLDIER, didn't we?"_

"_Well, yeah, but…I mean, what do you see…in regards to love?"_

"_Well, what do you see?" _

"_You, of course. Forever, always by my side. You've always been there."_

"_Forever is a lie, Gen."_

**What hurts the most**

**Is being so close**

**And havin' so much to say**

**(Much to say)**

**And watchin' you walk away**

I don't understand why I lied to you that day. I laid on the grass and watched you leave, and that night I slipped into your room, a bad bite on my arm from your father's guard hound. This is a risk I was taking, we'd never dared show affection within the walls of your home. Hell, I'd never even entered your house before that night. You laugh at me, and you aren't mad at me for long.

**And never knowin'**

**What could've been**

**And not seein' that lovin' you**

**Is what I was tryin' to do, oh**

**Oh yeah**

Despite my reluctance to say those three words, we never grew apart, always staying best of friends and lovers. I guess you just loved me too much to walk away because of the words I couldn't say.

**What hurts the most**

**Was being so close**

**And havin' so much to say**

**(To say)**

**And watchin' you walk away**

I know now why they chose me to do this. I'm the only one you will let close enough to you.

**And never knowin'**

**What could've been**

**And not seein' that lovin' you**

**Is what I was tryin' to do**

I'm glad it's me, and not some other SOLDIER, not Sephiroth. I'm glad they send me to do it.

**Not seein' that lovin' you**

**That's what I was trying to do**

"Angeal? What are you doing?"

_My sword is touching the bed, leaning against the wall, yours by the door. I lay on my back and kiss you, my ivory wing stretching out, sprawling across the bed while your ebony one caresses me. It upsets me that your movements are slower, that you struggle with the simple task of removing my belts. You shake and you find it harder to hold yourself up, so I place one hand on your chest to keep you from falling forward, my other hand stroking your length. I love the gasp you make as I enter you. I love how you meet me thrust for thrust. I love how your eyes slowly close as lust consumes you. I run a hair threw your white hair. I love you, that's why I am doing this. As we climax, you either don't notice or don't care as I allow you to fall onto my chest, breathing ragged, as I throw my now free arm off the edge of the bed. It's an insignificant movement, I've done it before._

"Geal?"

"Gen, I'm so sorry for everything. I love you…so much…you know that, right, baby? I saw you."

And I make sure to shove the damn sword into your wing, through your back and so far through your heart that it pierces mine as well and even punctures the mattress.

**A/N: Well…I must say that isn't how I was planning on it ending. I am a little worried that the different fonts may make it difficult to read. Read and review and tell me what you guys think?**


End file.
